If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
