Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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