Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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