Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
