Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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