Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
Randomize
