Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
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