i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
