I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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