i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
