a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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