new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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