and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Randomize
