I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
