life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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