I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
