What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Someone signed my nipple.
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