That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
