her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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