I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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