We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
