I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Randomize
