my phone needs a breathalizer
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
We named our party play list daddy issues
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
