Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
