worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
is wine microwaveable?
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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