I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
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don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize