only if we run a train.
done.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
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