Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
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