What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
