We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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