Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
