it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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