Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
