Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
