I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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