The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
