I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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