Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
