I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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