I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
