I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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