Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
