You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
