i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
