i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
