i need an iv and a liver transplant
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
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