you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
