i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Randomize
