Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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