My girlfriend figured out who you are.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
i dont even know how to be here
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
