3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Randomize
