T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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