I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Randomize
