Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Randomize
