We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
