Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Never joke about your clitoris.
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