meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
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