got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
