Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
