Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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