now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
