I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
